Sunday Morning Church

I've fought it for a long time, but I've finally been able to admit that I don't like church.

If nothing else, church becomes counter-productive to my spirituality. The moments where I've experienced the most spiritual growth (whatever that means) have always been outside of the church. When I am honest about the condition of my soul, I am not holding a bible in my hand. I am not wearing slacks and a pressed shirt. I am not playing bass, teaching, or pew-ridden. I am alone, with God.

Sometimes I am with a friend, just one, and it is dark in the room so that I feel comfortable. Maybe I had a beer so my inhibitions about being honest are lessened slightly. Sometimes I've just had a cup of tea, I'm in the corner of a coffee shop, and there's a buzz that drowns out my hushed words. I never come to soul-saving realizations while singing "Blessed Be the Name" with 400 other tired and slightly hung over Christians.

At church there's a series of established rules that are true for all evangelical services. You stand when they tell you to, you can sit if you're disabled. You sing along with the bouncing ball or mistimed power point, you don't have to if you're playing the music. You're quiet when the pastor's preaching, you leave if your child is noisy, and if you're over 50 you can sneer when those under 30 don't put money in the offering plate.

Church is work. I can't relax at church. I can't be honest in church.

I learn more about God watching ducks do yoga on a concrete pipe by the side of a dirty lake.

I learn more about God listening to grown men weep, and even more when I let my own soul weep.

I feel more in community watching Batman cartoons and eating banana pancakes than visiting an institution of 150-1000.

I feel more in awe when thunder rumbles than when a preacher mumbles.

So I've given up on church. For now. I like the idea, and I've tried lots of churches. I've been to postmodern, modern, and premodern services, but none of them match what I experience in life. Mundane life. I understand that church is not "for me", but the church has no place for what I want to offer: doubt, fear, anger, and mistrust. So until church decides to become more like life, less like a business, and more like my friend, I'm giving up on church. The law of diminishing returns demands it.